Grave-robbing may be out of style, but fan exploitation isn’t. Monster fans deserve a reliable market test to rely upon before sending money to all-too monstrous manufacturers. Therefore, to dull the fangs of some vampires of our industry, we at MT innovate The Monster Market to product test items, and report accurately on them and about the bargains, too!
IMPORTANT! If we are really going to be able to keep the monster magnates in line, we’ll need your help. Please write in and tell us of your experience in the monster market, whether it be good, bad or none of the above. Write to THE MONSTER TIMES, c/o The Monster-Market. P.O. Box 5 Chelsea Station, N.Y. 10011.
Product Tested: 7-foot tall MONSTER
Available at: Honor House, Lynnbrook, New York, 11563
Price: $1.00 plus 25 cents postage – or two for $2.00 plus 25 cents postage.
“HERE Is Your Hideous, Spine-Chilling “BIGGER-THAN LIFE” 7 – Foot Tall FRANKENSTEIN Monster In All His Colorful-Frightening Glory. HAPPY HAUNTING!” – so screamed the blurb on the direction sheet we got with our 7-foot tall MONSTER. And boy were we ever disappointed.
Why? Was the advertising false? No, but we were secretly wishing it! would have been. Behold the MONSTER, pictured in the advertisement reproduced here. When you look at the ad, you think, well, some really rotten commercial artist no doubt tried to copy the great-lookin’ monster that must be on the $1.00 poster. You really hope that. You hope it so strongly, you almost believe that that’s what it’ll be!
And then you get your 7-foot tall MONSTER poster (in “AUTHENTIC COLORS”), and by George! It’s that rotten drawing in the advertisement, blown up SEVEN FEET TALL! And the AUTHENTIC COLORS”? – stomach-churning green, and baneful black, with various mottled shades of gray-green grunge and grungy green-gray between.
What’s more, it’s printed on thin plastic… in two pieces. It has to be joined in the belly with scotch tape.
IS IT WORTH A BUCK?
That’s arguable. Judging by how little a way a dollar goes, these days; maybe. The first reaction of everyone who enters THE MONSTER TIMES’ offices is; “Good Grief! NO!” But then we point out those “GLOW in the dark eyes,” which are two little Tuminescent stickem-paper dots which fit over the monster’s pupils, and do “glow in the dark” however, presto! in the darkened room, all you can see are two little white-yellow spots on your wall. The monster has disappeared! He doesn’t glow in the dark. So the item fulfills all that was promised. The ad’s legit.
But is it worth a buck? Even with glowing eyes?
And how authentic are these “authentic” colors, anyway? Boris Karloff’s facial makeup in the 1931 FRANKENSTEIN film was green, to register corpse-like on the black-and-white film. But this 7-foot creep-ture surely ain’t Boris Karloff!
Wellp, gang! Izzit worth a whole DOLLAR? Authentic colors, glowing eyes, and 7-feet? Remember; it’s not too well-drawn. Remember; it’s in two pieces, which YOU have to Scotch-tape together and if you make a mistake in taping … well, the ad offers a postage discount if you order two. Remember; it’s got a ridiculous bolt screwed right in the center of its forehead! Put it on your wall and someone’s sure to say something about having a screw loose.” Remember; they might not be talking about “the MONSTER.”
IS IT WORTH A WHOLE DOLLAR (plus 25 cents postage)?
That’s for you, the rabid-eyed reader to figure out. We’ve given you the info. It might be worth noting that plastic garbage bags of comparable size cost $1.00 apiece. these days. That’s something in mind, Honor House! You could sell reams of seamed FRANKENSTEIN GARBAGE BAGS for $1.00 – and really (ahem!) clean up. Advertise them as “suitable for framing, or throwing away.” Imagine! A garbage bag with GLOW in the dark eyes!
One more item of note. This plastic poster is different than an ordinary paper poster, in the way you can stick it to the wall “Mount him on your with thumbtacks or Scotch tape and you’ll never feel alone again, Or you can simply place him against the wall and rub all over with your hand, and static electricity should hold him there.” Sure glad they said “should hold him there” – cause it surely didn’t hold him to our wall.
The point of Mary Shelley’s FRANKENSTEIN novel was that electricity is the spark of life. That means either we or our wall be dead. Something to think about, surely. Is it worth a buck? Yeah. but only if you can’t find something better.
C.M. Richards