CONFESSIONS FROM THE BLACK LAGOON
Somewhere along the upper reaches of the Amazon, deep in the tropical miasma of a forgotten world, the river turns and enters into a small lagoon. The natives seldom speak of this mysterious place, but when they do their words tremble with fear. This is the dwelling place of a demon, a monstrous beast whose, force of evil has driven it through millions of centuries. It is a being so horrible, so fantastic, that mortal words cannot accurately describe its ancient fury. So it must be called upon to describe itself…
Demon? Monstrous beast? EGAD!!! Eighteen years since my first appearance and people still think I’m a louse! I really don’t give a darn about my public image, but when playful young teenagers start booby-trapping the local lagoon, where female fish swim, I believe the time has come for a rebuttal. So here, now, in the black and white panorama of the MONSTER TIMES, I shall reveal the ungarnished truth about one of Hollywood’s greatest movie monsters Behold, the uncut, uncensored confessions of yours truly, the heart-stopping Gill-Man, the malevolent man-fish, the scaly scalaway from South America, the famous and original CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON!
The Memoirs of Gilbert “Gill” Gillman
“Rolling on the River”
For the first 75 million years of my life things were really swell. I’d relax, clown around with the local natives (they always gotta kick out of my Buster Crabbe impersonations) and would spend the remainder of the day charming the prettiest schools of pirhana this side of Burt’s Aquarium!
Then, on a warm September afternoon in the fall of 1953, big-time movie producer William Alland came chugging down the tranquil Black Lagoon, searching for a new face into which he could invest money. After starring in some Grade B disaster with Orson Welles (“Citizen Kane,” I believe) back in ’41, Mr. Alland had since decided to divert his time and funds to the sophisticated prospect of monster movies. Along with him for the ride was Nestor Paiva, who hadn’t shaved in over a year and muttered something about, “You crazy Americano, why dunt you high-tail eet out of here and make Ricardo Montalban movies?”
Unhampered by Nestor’s obvious lack of taste, Bill pressed on until he finally spotted me sitting on a log, thumbing through my Aquaman comic books. “You’re a natural,” he squealed, and then, after asking me whether or not my name was Rosebud, offered me a contract with Universal Pictures. To be perfectly honest, I was terribly excited at the idea. After all, as he promptly pointed out, look what good ol’ “Universal U” did for Count Dracula and the Frankenstein Monster. After only ten or twenty years, they were able to meet famous Hollywood personalities, such as Abbott and Costello and the Bowery Boys! It was truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, one that I’d be foolish to ignore, and so I said farewell to my pals and gals, packed my neutralizer and headed for the wilds of Southern California.
“When in Southern California, Visit Universal City Studios”
My reception in the Sunny State was something less than bright. My first three days were spent jitterbugging for Charles Welbourne’s underwater 3D camera setup, and the only time I got to see Alland was when the returns to IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE came in from outer box offices.
Finally I was introduced to the cast and crew when I threatened to form my own movie studio under the name “American International”. (Later two goofs called Nicholson and Arkoff won the copyright from me in a crap game.) Dick Carlson made an appropriate “young, resourceful scientist”. After an enjoyable chat with the actor, I discovered he had co-starred with an old friend of mine, Froggy, who had temporarily left the Andy Devine complex to star with Dick Carlson in Allied Artist’s THE MAZE. Later that week I encountered my old pal who greeted me with an expected “Hiya, Gill! Hiya, Hiya, Hiya!” and explained the advantages and disadvantages of 3D movie making.
At this point I was beginning to feel more at home in the alien environment. Lovely Julia Adams was perhaps most instrumental, since she apparently sensed that I was – dare I say it? – a fish out of water. She alone understood my plight, and I completely fell for her.
I’ll never forget the day she went for a particularly exotic swim in the studio-manufactured lagoon. Well, and me a gentleman! I mean I just had to summon up all my willpower to keep from doing anything rash.
I followed her from underneath the water (can you blame me?) and found out sometime later that clowning Charlie photographed the whole scene in 3D and submitted it to director Jack Arnold as a gag. Later Arnold included the scene in the final print and was complimented for an “arousing and poetic dramatization of unearthly love”. The bum!
Peri-Scopes of Evolution on Trial
Bill Alland later introduced me to screenwriters Harry Essex and Artie Ross who discussed their scenario with me. It! was, in a word, awful! After a few hours of intense, concentrated effort (with my valued supervision) a second script was written, which, quite seriously, contained some of the best dialog ever written for a sci-fi movie. The final effect, of course, was due mostly to the vocal talents of Richard Carlson, whose cool, scientific enthusiasm enhanced many a fantasy film. Here’s a typical example of his lingo:
“More and more we’re learning the meaning and value of marine research. This lungfish … the bridge between fish and the land animal. How many thousands of ways nature tried to bring life out of the sea and onto the land. This one failed. He hasn’t changed in over a million years. But here … here we have a clue to an answer. Someday spaceships will be traveling from Earth to other planets – are human beings going to survive on those planets? The atmosphere will be different, the pressures will be different. By studying these, and other species, we add to our knowledge of how life evolved, how it adapted itself to this world. With that knowledge, perhaps we can teach man to adapt himself to some new world of the future.”
Fortunately for us, most of Dick’s other statements weren’t as long as this initial windbaggery. But the final script did abound with a welcome understanding of science and fiction, and treated both aspects of thought respectfully. There is even a touching bit of what I term, “humanity under pressure”, as Carlson orders his companions to cease fire as I limp out of the grotto and to my aquatic death.
The fact that the 3D process demanded scripts emphasizing visual thrills might! have squashed lesser projects (and did), but the final result here was one that any monster-as-well-as-screenwriter would be proud of.
The rest of the production crew also had a good idea of what makes a monster flick click. Makeup chief Buddy Westmore was a competent craftsman – although his work with me didn’t extend far beyond the toenail clipping stage. There were also a number of stuntmen who exercised my more dangerous activities. Among these noteworthy gents were Ed Parker, Ben Chapman and – what’s his name – oh, yeah! Ricou Browning, who went ape the final day of production when I presented him with a going-away gift: an adorable baby dolphin named Flipper. Wonder whatever happened to them since…
“A Star (Fish) Is Born”
With the film in the can and our hopes in the air, Universal went about distributing the flick for both 3D and 2D engagements. The first response came from the critics, who were not very responsive.
“Only if you’ve lost all your comic books”, wailed a Times reviewer who probably kept his under lock and key. The New York News at least termed it “an average thriller” and gave us a two-and-a-half star rating. (Come to think of it, that’s what they gave Kubrick’s 2001! Oh, well…)
But the mounting critical assaults fused into an all-encompassing zero when our modest little effort turned into Universal’s biggest money-maker of 1954! Man, what a day that was! The lenses must have popped out of Jack Warner’s 3D glasses when he heard about us! HOUSE OF WAX – hah! My film wasn’t popular merely because of some tricky filter! Indeed, most movie producers of the time agreed that 3D flicks had flickered out of the public’s interest. One of our leading film competitors of the year, Warner Brother’s THEM! had been originally shot in 3D and color, but saw final release sans the various hues and dimensional effects.
To my utter astonishment, I was an overnight sensation. Although I had strict contract commitments to Universal, the studio did permit me to appear (briefly) with luscious Marilyn Monroe in 20th Century Fox’s THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH. My appearance took the form of, first, a billboard on a theater marquee and second as the subject of some rather ill-chosen lines (delivered by MM) comparing me to co-star Tom Ewell.
Yeeech!
CREATURE CONFESSIONS
Now comes a Hollywood confession type bit of info, which the publicity departments of both MGM and Universal kept hushed up:
During that exasperating year, Dick, Julie and Richard Denning accompanied me to MGM, where I met a personal favorite of mine … the lovely Miss Esther Williams, Man, could she swim! We got together one sinful evening, filled our restless throats with cocktails and hit the surf for a wild spree in the moonlite. It wasn’t long before Van Johnson heard of our rendezvous and threatened Universal with a lawsuit and a song. Fearing the frustration of the former and the repulsion of the latter, I left the MGM lot and bid Miss Williams adieu.
The Second Creature Feature!
The mesmerizing sound of jingling change in their pockets prompted Universal personnel to film a sequel to my first adventure. With the identical crew working on this flick, it was a sure bet that REVENGE OF THE CREATURE (yeah!) would retain that same sense of imagination and wonder that made the first epic a breadwinner.
Well, I must confess, we did kind of bomb out on this one.
Although the production was the same, the cast was different. Instead of the visionary Mr. Carlson, I was pitted against courageous John Agar, who turned actor after being laid off by the Armour Ham Packing Co. In place of the sultry Miss Adams, plopped tomboyish Lori Nelson (who never did learn HOW TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE), and to follow in the footsteps of the seasoned Richard Denning, Universal hired John Bromfield, who paraded around the lot with gritted teeth and a sweatshirt labeled, “Kiss me, I’m Superman”.
Just about everything went wrong with my REVENGE. Even with Nestor Paiva and his magic beard on hand, the film still looked as if smilin’ Jack Arnold had “lost all his comic books” while directing it.
There were some redeeming qualities, however. There is a particularly amusing segment that starts with my escape from the Ocean Harbor Seaquarium and concludes with yours truly furiously tossing a car through the air with the greatest of ease. Another shattering episode involved two College kids who discover the unconscious Miss Nelson on a local beach, and when they attempt to revive her, I literally knock their brains out. Although quite grisly for the time, the scene may take on a new meaning today, with me as sort of a “Super Spiro”, rescuing young women from do-gooder college student radicals. Or maybe we just should have hired Carroll O’Conner for the part and retitled the movie THE BUNKER FROM THE BLACK LAGOON. Archie, of course,
What bugged me most about the film was that it destroyed me in the eyes of the American public. Sure, it did OK! moneywise, but the people who came to see it no longer identified with me. I had become, of all things, A MONSTER! Alas!
My Film Career WALKS To the Finish Line
The following year held certain promise. With the completion of THE CREATURE WALKS AMONG US, things were looking up. The stalwart scientists this time around included Jeff Morrow and Rex Reason (after just completing an orbit around Metaluna in Universal’s technicolor spectacular THIS ISLAND EARTH).
And the girl – WOW!
Leigh Snowden certainly renewed my faith in the studio’s contract players.
Apart from the inspiring cast, this third thriller boasted an unusually atmospheric music score by Henry Mancini (this was long before Hank drifted down Moon River and nearly drowned himself), plus a truly imaginative script penned by Arthur Ross.
Some ambitious, clear-thinking scientists decide to capture the feared Gill-Man and transform him into an air-breathing creature, proving the laws of evolution and producing a totally unearthly, futuristic mutation. Wild! Of course, I’m still primitive enough to tear the entire place apart in the last reel as expected, but the bizarre connotations of the unusual screenplay stick in the viewer’s mind long after the flick fades, and THE CREATURE WALKS AMONG US emerges as an intriguing example of science fiction cinema. Too bad it sank at the box office.
“A Creature for All Seasons”
Well, that about wrapped up my movie career. John Q. Public was growing weary of me and my blaring “da-da-daaaaaaa!” theme song, and so I sadly left the studio late in 1956 and returned to my home on the river. Occasionally Universal would resurrect me for cameo appearances on their TV series, including one particularly ludicrous affair on THE MUNSTERS, with the entire cast hailing me as “Uncle Gilbert”, as if I’d be caught dead being any relation to those morons.
Most recently, I appeared in the “Pickman’s Model” episode of NIGHT GALLERY (slightly disguised, of course), and when I ran off with lovely Louise Sorel in my arms, it felt just like old times!
So, that’s my earth-shaking life story. Even though my career spawned quite a few frightened clods with nothing better to do than to run around spreading false rumors, I still believe the large bulk of fantasy-oriented fanatics regard me and my films as entertaining symbols of a simpler age of science fiction movie making. Leading horror author Robert Bloch has been known to call them “works of obvious crud”, but we must excuse dear Robert. He could never get over the fact that H.P. Lovecraft found me far more intriguing than the novel “Psycho”!
As I type out these last few words, I notice my pals on the river still haven’t forgotten my Buster Crabbe impersonations. Would you believe it – they actually sent away for Buster’s “muscle control body shirt”! I may not be the most popular monster in town, but at least I’m the only one with a reeeeeeeal corporation upfront! And no body shirt… yet!
Transcribed (with maddening results)
by Gary Gerani